


Someone to Live For

by asterixn



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: A LOT of Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Alexander Hamilton, One Shot, Recklessness, Sad Alexander Hamilton, Suicidal Thoughts, alexander is a such a workaholic, and honestly too goodfor this sad world, but T H E N, eliza is amazing, why do you write like you're running out of time?????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 17:43:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15778959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asterixn/pseuds/asterixn
Summary: When Alexander comes home one evening, Eliza decides that it's time for them to have a talk, about how reckless he's been recently. What she doesn't expect, though, is the raw amount of emotion her husband has pent up inside him, and the real reason behind his behavior.





	Someone to Live For

**Author's Note:**

> this is at least a year old but i needed to cross-post it eventually so here
> 
> tw: sort of suicidal thoughts/actions

Eliza moved her fingers along the piano and she was lost in the music. It was crazy how she could weave such complex tunes with only her fingers. She was never great with her words, that was Alexander. But she had her piano. She could tell intricate stories with only a few fingers. Someday, when she and Alexander had a child, she hoped to teach them the piano. Alexander had never been able to pick it up, but she was determined to educate their child and teach them the instrument.

Suddenly, Eliza heard the door open and then slam shut. Alexander was home. As she hurried down the stairs, desperate to see her husband after weeks and weeks on the battlefield, her thoughts raced a mile-a-minute. John Laurens had sent her a letter detailing how he’d been lately. It turned out that Alexander had been quite reckless recently, more reckless than usual. John and another friend of Alexander’s, Lafayette, had been trying to get it through his thick head that he was going to be killed. But his aforementioned thick head didn’t seem to let anything through. John had sent her the letter in the hope that she, as his wife, could convince him to actually think things through. She’d thought she’d detected some bitterness there, and Eliza supposed she understood. John had known Alexander for much longer than she had. It must pain him to admit that she could do something he could. However, Eliza wasn’t even sure she could do that. Alexander was always writing. He processed thoughts faster than she could decide between dresses to wear. The only person who’d ever been able to keep up with him was Angelica. But- but Alexander had chosen her, so she needed to prove he was right. Eliza had to get through to him, she just  _ had  _ to.

Eliza hurried to the front entrance, but Alexander was nowhere in sight. His coat was hung up on the rack, his shoes put away, and his bags and assorted belongings abandoned on the floor. Her mouth twisted into a half smile, half grimace. It was her Alexander alright. He hadn’t changed a bit. There was no doubt he was already in his work place, writing like there was no tomorrow.

Eliza walked into the hallway and proceeded for another few meters until she reached Alexander’s office. She stepped in and Alexander didn’t even turn. His back remained facing her. He was hunched over on his desk. Already halfway through a sheet of paper. She looked around his office and smiled. It was the exact embodiment of Alexander, were there ever to be one. Papers and important documents were strewn everywhere imaginable. She never knew how he actually found anything in there, and she suspected she never would.

Eliza cleared her throat and Alexander shot up like a bullet, cursing as he did so. He turned around and his eyes landed on her. Instantaneously, the emotions clearly visible on his face changed. His face lit up as if seeing the sun for the first time in weeks, and she supposed, in a way, maybe he was. He rushed over, crossing the few feet that divided them. He held a spark in his eyes. Something incredibly beautiful, as if God-given, lived in his eyes, and she melted. He held her in his arms and Eliza felt indescribably  _ happy _ . Maybe  _ she _ was seeing the sun for the first time in weeks, as well. Alexander kissed her then, and everything that was wrong with the world suddenly felt right. His lips were dry and tasted salty, but she relished in the feeling of him and her locked in a bond possibly even more unbreakable than marriage. And then, without warning, it was over. She wasn’t sure if they’d been kissing forever, or for barely a second. It felt a bit like both. 

She stared at him and said, simply, “I missed you so  _ much _ .”

He smiled, looked straight at her, and said, “I missed you too.”

Alexander had never had trouble with words, but at that moment there was so much emotion concealed within those four words that she completely understood.

Then, her eyes fell unto his left shoulder. His sleeve had been rolled up as far as it could go for around his shoulder was a thick bandage. It was wrapped around it several times for good measure. But as thick as it was, she could see a spot tinted pink.

“What happened?!” Eliza said, nearly tripping over her words and ruining the moment.

Alexander had the grace to look sheepish, “It- it’s nothing. A bullet just managed to graze me a few days ago. I haven’t had a chance to change the bandage, it’s not actually bleeding.”

“Alexander, that’s not the point.” It was at this moment she remembered why she was supposed to be angry. “John Laurens sent me a letter, you know, he said you’re being needlessly reckless on the battlefield!”

Alexander was outraged. “ _ John,  _ sent you a letter?!” He said it as if it was the craziest thing he’d ever heard.

“Yes,” Eliza said, “he did. He told me all about what’s been happening. It’s incredibly dangerous, you have to stop, just  _ think  _ before you act, okay?!”

Alexander sighed, “Eliza, I’m  _ fine.  _ You don’t understand, I’m perfectly safe.”

“No, Alexander,” she said, her face redder by the moment, “ _ you  _ don’t understand. If you keep screwing around like this, you’re going to get yourself  _ killed _ .”

Alexander scoffed and backed up. Sitting down on top of his desk, he said, “I hope so.”

“You shouldn’t joke about things like that,” Eliza said, appalled.

He looked up at her, his face ashen and depressed, and spoke. “Who said I was joking?” 

Eliza bit her lip as her left eye emitted a single tear. She walked over and sat next to him on the desk. “Alexander…” She trailed off. She wanted to comfort him, but she wasn’t sure how. 

“Eliza…” His head fell into his hands. “Eliza, you don’t understand.”

She put one hand on his shoulder and said, “Try me.”

“Eliza, it’s just-” For once, words seemed to fail him. Alexander brought his head up, turned to face her, and said “Eliza, I was brought up with nothing. The soldiers? They don’t think I notice but I do. They talk about me behind my back. They insult me and call me nothing. They wonder how some  _ immigrant, _ ” Alexander spat the word out like a curse “could  be so high up. They call me nothing, which is all I ever used to feel about myself. Sometimes I- I feel like I’m  _ still  _ nothing, sometimes. All I want to do is be remembered. Someday, hundreds of years from now, kids are going to learn about the founding of their country. I don’t just want to be a name that’s heard but never known. I- I have to  _ be  _ someone. And sometimes I-” Alexander stopped.

Eliza could see the tears streaming down his face, there were many on her face as well. She knew it pained him to feel so vulnerable as he did now. She didn’t say anything, just held on to him and helped wipe the tears off his face. After a moment, he continued.

“Sometimes, I feel like it would just be easier to die in the line of duty. I’d be remembered for my heroics, maybe even get something named after me. I really don’t have much to live for but you.” Alexander finished, glancing worriedly at her, as if she might bolt now that he’s poured all he has out.

But Eliza just embraced him. She didn’t kiss him, because that wasn’t what he needed. All Alexander really needed from her was a good hug, a gesture of her support.

When he released her and she released him. She just looked down at herself before bringing her eyes to him once again.

“Well, Alexander,” Eliza said, “I have a surprise for you.”

His face contorted in confusion. “A surprise?”

“Yes,” she said, smiling, “something- well, someone, actually, for you to live for.”

Alexander was shocked, “Do you- You mean you’re- ?”

“ _ Yes _ ,” She murmured to him, her smile widening, “I’m pregnant! We’ll have a child in only a few months!”

Alexander looked happier than ever, and, for once, they were happy together.


End file.
